All growed up?

My aunt commented the other day how residency seems to have already made me more mature.  In a month's time, I moved across the country, slowly settled into my own apartment (first time living without a roommate), met my amazing co-interns, and got thrown into the F5 twister named "Residency."

Scary? What's a heftier word than "scary"? I need something a little more substantial to describe this experience.

But it has been more rewarding than anything I could have imagined.  I have never felt more positive about being stressed, working longer hours than I anticipated.  Life is comfortable without a boy, without a puppy, without my parents being within driving distance.  I still struggle with waking up in the morning (thankfully I am a 2-minute drive away from my work!), but once I reach the hospital, I look forward to seeing all those little faces!  I just wish we had more time in the morning to hold those babies, tickle those little feet, and see those toddlers crack some smiles...

My first week was quite the rollercoaster.  I had a great senior and medical student who helped me transition into the world of becoming an intern.  Was I slow? Very. Have I forgotten everything medical school taught me? Feels like it. Was I concerned a child might die on my watch? Obviously.

And it happened. Sort of. It wasn't anything we did or didn't do. But it was the first time I actually saw a kid go from unstable, to stable, to unstable... to a critical care situation... to the parents making the decision to pull their precious little one off life support.

I wanted to say goodbye and express my condolences.  The family needed their time, understandably so. And so I had to stand outside the room and whisper my own prayers, as I nearly broke down in front of the patient's nurse.

And then I walked away, dried my tears, and had to move on to completing my work. I had to do justice by all my other patients and families. But it felt bizarre... I felt a little cruel. It felt like I was abandoning my patient that had just gone through so much pain.

But then there are the other kids who come to the hospital so ill... and I watch, as a part of the care team, as they recuperate and head back to their homes with their family.  I have realized that in this profession, as much as the patients and parents might need me in their toughest moments, I also need them.  These are the ones that are teaching me that "healing" does not always mean curing; it is sometimes just providing some comfort, or just finding a way to make their baby smile after all the obstacles they have faced. And I hope they know what satisfaction they bring to me.

I have had the opportunity to console crying mothers.  Clear up some misunderstandings (thanks, Google?).  Hold my "favorite chub chub" the last 5 minutes of hospitalization.  I had the chance to participate in, and (semi-) call the shots for a rapid response.  And I have had the chance to hear words of gratitude from parents.

Needless to say, I know I have chosen the best field in the greatest profession.  Obviously a biased statement!!  But, for me, this is the perfect fit.  I don't know much... but I want to learn and do right by my patients.

I love everything that I am getting to soak in here.  The medicine and learning, spending my mornings with children, seeing the mountains all around, basking in the sunshine and heat, and making new friends.  There's a certain friendliness and respect that fluorishes here.  I am blessed to have pleasant residents and teaching faculty to work with, and patient nurses who treat me with dignity (even after I make mistakes that might slow their work down).  I am greeted in the mornings and evenings by a jovial parking security guard, who makes sure to share a smile with everyone who goes in and out of the ramp... how does he do that, after standing in the 110F heat all day???

I am so grateful for all that life has brought me.  I made it here... so let's do this :)

A good life!! Cheers to the intern class of 2013!!

What an exhilarating time the last few months have been. *WHEW* I was on the interview trail from early November through the first day of FEBRUARY. *YIKES* But the good news is, my interviews paid off, and I successfully matched into my #1 choice for residency.  For the next 5 years, I will be a resident of Arizona, completing a 5-year combined residency and fellowship program to become a Pediatric Neurologist. *YAY* My first 2 years will be general pediatrics (at Phoenix Children's Hospital); year 3 will be adult neurology (at St. Joseph's); and years 4-5 will be pediatric neurology (back at Phoenix Children's Hospital).

(The title of this post is for my "happy" song by OneRepublic, titled 'The Good Life')

During the month of February, I stayed with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin in Phoenix.  While there, I completed a rotation at the Phoenix Children's Hospital, with the pediatric neurology team.  I was instantly in love with the place for so many reasons.  In 2 weeks of inpatient, I saw more diverse cases than I had the chance to see in Detroit.  My assumption as to why, is that I was exposed to many more cultures out there, it is very different demographically.  I learned about neurological diseases that are more prevalent to the Hispanic peoples, and Navajo nation.  I had a chance to learn about Indian reservations, and how their own tribal courts and healthcare systems function.  I even re-learned a lot of Spanish!  I still was unable to speak it very well, but NO PROBLEM!!  The fact that there are so many Spanish-speaking families made LIVE interpreters much more accessible in the hospital and clinic there.  But by the end of the month, I found myself understanding the language fairly well (for not having been exposed to Spanish regularly since 2004).

Aside from the new cultures, and my learning experience there, I fell in love with Phoenix and it's people.  Overall, that part of the country tries to lead a much healthier life.  There is more access to vegetarian eating options (which are still flavorful!), and I enjoyed spending time hiking outdoors.  Somehow, daily sunshine, and being around mountains was just what I needed.  I hadn't been so active in years!  It is just more exhilarating being able to take a scenic hike up and down mountains, than it is to walk on flat ground in Michigan (or on a treadmill in the gym).  My body simply felt better -- and I can already feel the difference after being back in the mitten for the past few weeks.  I'm already struggling to make it to the gym in this cold. Plus, no snow?! Phoenix might be heaven during the winter season.

However, this is all bittersweet.  I know my 5-year program will not be the same as a 1 month visit.  I am leaving behind the world's most dedicated parents, my closest friends, and I will also be farther than ever from my brother.  It will be my first time living outside of Michigan, farther than a 1 hour drive home.  Seeing my family will require more advanced planning. Through medical school, especially this final year, it has been so easy to make a last minute decision to drive home -- I know I will miss that.

This was something I felt I had to do for my career, my personal growth, and I hope it pays off in the long run.  The decisions I have to make these next few months are stacking up, and nervewracking.  I will need to make decisions about my car, make sure I have doctors I can see in that area, and learn details about housing that I have never had to think about before.

It's all a part of growing up, and learning to be a little more independent. God has allowed me to match across the country, simply because He knows I can make it through these obstacles, and become a better person through it all. It has been, and will continue to be, A GOOD LIFE. <3

Thank you to my parents for supporting me through this decision.  I am sure I will cry at times, and be terribly homesick... but you are my greatest strength and inspiration.  If you both could make the move across Asia, Europe, and into North America -- crossing the ocean into a new culture -- then with your love I can do this.
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[Panoramic view of Phoenix from Thunderbird Mountain.]

[With my beautiful cousin and her dog, Nala; during our hike up Mormon Trailhead, one of many trails at South Mountain.]

[Just seconds away from opening the envelope, which sealed my fate for the next 5 years!]

[With my parents, who I adore.  I am glad they were able to be present for the biggest day of my life.]

[Friends since undergrad.  We both matched at our first-choice programs. This was taken after we cried happy tears; and exchanged hugs with our families, and friends at nearby tables.]

[Celebrating the evening with my wonderful roommate!]

The glass is always full.

We have always heard the cliche that an "optimist" views the glass half full; a "pessimist" views the glass half empty.

However, a search last week on Pinterest led me to a graphic and quote that said: "The glass is ALWAYS full."  The diagram had a picture of a glass with 1/2 water. The other 1/2 was air. And I believe this view.

Hope is always important in life.  Positive thoughts yield positive results.  And I must say I am so proud of my parents for understanding the truth, exploring the facts, and remaining faithful through my dad's diagnosis.

I am not going to disclose much in a public place like this.  If you feel compelled to ask, then please don't shy away -- I would love to share his story!  But neither is this the right avenue, nor the right time.

But what I do feel comfortable telling you all is that while he has a diagnosis, which was scary for us initially, he is doing well.  He does not "look" sick, he does not "feel" sick.  He is still the same (hyper)active man that he was just 2 months ago, and a year ago, and even 3 years ago!  It has allowed all of us, though, to evaluate what is important a little more deeply.

For me, personally, it has given me more courage to pursue my own dreams.  If he can do this with such a fighting spirit, then I can muster up enough strength to face the reality that I might be across the country from my parents in just a few months.  And that I can survive it.

The interview process has been such a rush.  I was granted interviews from a few of my dream institutions.  These were programs I thought about NOT applying to, because the first thoughts to myself were "they will never consider me for an interview."  I remember sitting with one of the peds neurologists that I worked with in September, a nervous wreck in her office, as I asked her, "What if I don't get any interviews? What if I don't match?!"

After that time, I was humbled.  I was offered interviews at 20 institutions, a near impossible task to fulfill when pediatric neurology interviews often span over 2 days!  I was lucky to be able to decline several interviews, be a little more picky on what regions I preferred, what type of hospital was important for me.

And now, I am going into March with the attitude that Pinterest has evoked in me: to remember that "the glass is always full."  If one opportunity falls through, then another will present itself.  I have done my part, and now I must remain faithful that life will happen as it is meant to.  I cannot control each and every detail of my life.  All I can control is my attitude towards whatever comes my way, just as my mother, father, and brother have done the last couple months.

I haven't been able to blog for quite some time.  The interview trail has kept me running to and from airports.  During the days that I do manage to be in Michigan, my time is spent with family and friends here.  But I do hope that you all find yourselves enjoying the first month of 2013!!  I have a feeling it's going to be a great year :)